The Least Funny April Fools

One of my favorite songs in High School was "Ironic" by Alanis Morisette. Sometimes life is just a little too ironic, especially this day. You should probably listen to it.

I woke up and went to the bathroom and knew I was in for a long day.  I was pretty sure I was starting to have a miscarriage. I had no idea how long this would take, if I should go to work. The doctors office didn't open until 9:00am, so I decided to go to work and see how things went.

As Dan dropped me off at work, I took 5 steps and felt a rush- I knew I had to get to a bathroom immediately. I'd only been at this job 4 weeks, and this was not how I envisioned celebrating my first month. I made it to the bathroom and had one of those moments where I thought "This can't be real life... I can't be having a miscarriage in the bathroom of my new job... and on April Fools day..."

The next hour was a blur- I don't know how I stayed there. But I called the doctors office right at 9:00am, and spoke to the medical assistant. She was so sweet. And I was proud of myself for being calm. We set an appointment for me to come in Monday morning after I'd had a few days to pass everything. My boss had left for a meeting, so I emailed saying I wasn't feeling well and going home. 

That was 5 days ago. There have truly been over 100 things that have been so ironic and I could have taken offense to so many times in regards to pregnancy and babies. But somehow I haven't, and I'm not sure why. I thought I'd know how to feel about this by now- and once I start feeling like I have a grasp on how to handle this, my hormones take a plunge in a different direction and I'm trying to figure it out all over again. I'm sad but not devastated. I want to move on but I don't feel like doing anything. I want to cry but don't know what to cry about. It's all very confusing. 

Regardless, it's all going to be okay.

On the plus side, I get to add miscarriage to my resume of crap I've survived. I can now sympathize and relate to all those other women I've talked to in the past about miscarriages. I have discovered a new perspective on motherhood- though I'm still trying to understand it. I will NEVER again think that any kind of joke about people being pregnant for April Fools day is funny. The lessons of life teach you so much so fast.

I saw these flowers while I went on a walk during the late afternoon of the least funny April Fools Day ever. Somehow it was enough for me to understand that "though this grass is ugly, just like this experience, the good will still be enough to break through and I will find beauty in it"

Wish me luck on my search to find the good and beauty.