So. Much. Change.

This last year has been one of those major life changing years. I have been rereading a lot of my blog posts, and going through pictures of my life over the last 5 years since being married and HOLY MOLY. I feel like I am such a different person now than I was even a year ago. I have such a different perspective on so many things. I've had to adult on so many new levels, I feel as if I've lost my youth and gained a lot of responsibilities.

There have been so many changes in the last year of my life, I hardly recognize it as MY life any more. I feel as if everything before Grady was born feels like a dream... and it's so weird. I can't quite figure out how to wrap my head around everything that's happened, is happening, and is going to happen. SO MUCH CHANGE. I really can't think about it, or I start to get somewhat freaked out that life is so different and there is so much uncertainty ahead.

I remember having these feelings when I was coming home from my mission. My days had been 100% scheduled out for the last 18 months, and suddenly I was coming home to my entire life ahead of me and no plans. Heavenly Father sure took care of that fast and threw Mr. Daniel Wouden into my life before I could hardly make plans. That was a huge blessing.

For about the last 5 years, I've had a set schedule, a routine if you will. I knew where I'd be every day from 8-5, Dan had classes and work till most nights between 8-10. I knew where EVERYTHING in Logan was. I knew how much my bills were every month. I knew my neighbors. I knew the clerks at the grocery stores. I had consistency.

My life has become completely inconsistent for the THIRD time this year. I don't know my neighbors. I don't know if I'll like my ward. I don't know if I'll like the renters living in our basement. I don't know if I'll ever make friends like I had in Logan. I don't know how to own or take care of a home/yard. I don't know how to be a mom alone all day again. I don't know how to be such an adult! And if there's one thing I hate, it's the unknown. I am like an old lady. I like being comfortable and having my habits and routines. Turns out, that's not life.

Life is chaotic, and messy. It's every changing and always moving. Especially now that we have a baby. And if there is one thing I know and that's been proven over and over, Heavenly Father takes care of me. Especially at these giant crossroads where I really struggle with change. And I know he'll do it again. I know it's going to be challenging, but I know just to even get to this challenge in life is a huge blessing.

It's 4 days before Christmas. We are still finishing our house. Our things are 3/4 of the way packed up in boxes. We have no Christmas tree, or stockings, or any sort of decoration. This is going to be a VERY different Christmas this year than every before. We have a baby, and having Grady makes me all sorts of emotional when I think about the Christmas story... riding on a donkey for days being giantly pregnant, giving birth in a stable, laying my baby in a manger of hay... I weep thinking about it all. I've never spent so little on presents for Dan. We agreed to have a VERY small christmas due to the large amount of expenses we've had in fixing up our home.

And I am hoping and praying that I feel some sort of magic... some deeper understanding about the true meaning of Christmas by eliminating the "worldy" aspects this year. I'm hoping that this whole new year will bring out the best in me. That the last 12 months have literally felt like riding the "Wild Mouse" at Lagoon, feeling like I'm going to fall off at every new turn or change life throws my way, and some how I'm still inside my cart and hanging on for the next part of the ride (which by the way I hope resembles sky ride that takes you across the park, is quiet and peaceful with a view).

I'm hoping for miracles. That all the things I don't know, will be made known in due time, and that they will all turn out for the absolute best. That I will have confirmations I'm in the right place, at the right time, and doing the right things.

Because when all is said and done, what I really want is PEACE. And I know that true and lasting peace only comes through my Savior. So here's to Peace and Christmas and Change.