CONSUMED BY COMPARISON

If there is one talent most every woman has, it's the ability to compare ourselves to EVERYTHING. We compare ourselves to how others spend their money, how they raise their kids, what their bodies look like, how they dress, how much money they make, how they choose to live their religion, and the list goes on, and on, and on (like the song from the weird show Lamb Chop... haven't seen it? YouTube it.)

Being a woman, and being around women often, I have been thinking about this topic for several months now. There are far too many women in my life (who I love dearly) that are CONSUMED by COMPARISON. Not only are we as women judging others while comparing, but we viciously judge ourselves 1,000,000,000,000 times more harshly than anyone has ever judged us. It's an awful cycle. And I think it's time we as women STOPPED.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that Instagram & Pinterest can be the worst things EVER for a woman's self esteem.

INSTABRAG: The immediate posting of self congratulatory photos on Instagram with the sole intention of inspiring jealousy among followers.

- Woman gets on Instagram
- Woman sees another woman's post on instagram
- Post on Instagram is bragging about a latest accomplishment (graduation, baby is walking, house is almost done being built, husband got new job, bought a new car, vacationing in some tropic island, etc. etc. etc)
- Woman viewing post feels a tinge of resentment, jealousy, failure at lack of having accomplishment
- Woman viewing post, judges woman posting picture for bragging all the time about her perfect life. Thoughts of how easy her life must be, how it's not fair they have a rich family, etc. enter woman's mind. Judging continues.
- Woman reflects again on her own faults, failures, and longing to have what others do. Woman feels her self-esteem physically deplete inside her chest.
- Woman scrolls to next Instagram pic...

Now I can't say that this happens EVERY time to EVERY woman who has ever viewed a form of social media. But it's happened to me. And it's probably happened to you.

And it happens to women in general WAY too often.

And the effects of comparison are cutting deeper, and deeper...

NEWSFLASH: NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE SAME LIFE, ON THE SAME TIMELINE!

I'm turning 26 next week. I don't have kids. I don't have a house. I haven't built a house. My husband makes minimum wage. AND IT'S OKAY!

It's okay that I live in an apartment.(I LOVE OUR APARTMENT!)
It's okay that I don't have 2-3 kids like other women my age. (I've got plenty of beautiful babies in my ward to hold)
It's okay that I don't have a wardrobe from Nordstroms! (because seriously, this is pretty much against everything I believe in when it comes to shopping)

It's also okay that others my age own a house.
It's okay that they have husbands who make more than minimum wage.
It's okay that they in fact have 2-3 kids.

It's okay that they have their own life, and that it doesn't match mine.

Maybe instead of comparing and discovering what I don't have and ruining my own self esteem, I can be inspired and learn. I can see people with these different timelines, and know that someday I may be in that situation. I can learn how they achieved their accomplishment. I can learn what they did wrong, and what they did right-- to refer back to for my own future experience. Maybe I can stop comparing, and start celebrating others in their success because I understand it's not a reflection on my life.

Maybe I can post more inspiring things. Maybe instead of insta-bragging, I can share something that will make people laugh, or make people feel like they can reach their goals too. Maybe before I post something I can ask myself "If someone else posted this, would it make me feel bad for not having this?" I think a lot of how a post is received, is all in the wording. Obviously I can't control how everyone feels, but I think I can be more uplifting and sensitive.

Heck, maybe I just need to delete my social media for 1 or 2 weeks. Heck, maybe a month! Or forever! Maybe I need some time to learn to love my own life and build up my confidence again.

Something else we as women HAVE GOT TO GET OVER is our bodies. We can eat the same things, and do the same exercise routines, and our bodies will NEVER look the same as each others. So why we compare our bodies to each other, makes no sense to me.

From a woman with the curves of the squarest box you've ever seen, we need to EMBRACE our beautiful bodies! STOP NITPICKING! We'll nag ourselves to death about things we can't change, and things that are probably what actually make us beautiful. So let's stop.

Stop complaining that our teeth aren't white enough to reflect the sun and send SOS signals
Stop complaining we'll never have a thigh gap the size of grand canyon
Stop complaining that our hair stick-straight hair won't hold curls (you don't even need to own a straightener for heavens sake! Be happy!)
Stop complaining that our butt is too big or too flat- everyone likes bubbles and pancakes!

What if I start embracing my body? What if stopped only seeing everything I didn't like every time I looked in the mirror? What if I stopped counting calories and measuring my limbs and waist with a measuring tape? What if I started exercising and eating healthy according to how I FEEL, and not because I want to look like someone else?

Take it from a girl who spent a good 10 years worrying what everyone was thinking of her all the time due to her divorced parents and living in an average house, people love you more when you love yourself.

So I am going to listen to more Katy Perry because she always makes me feel like a rock star, read the Book of Mormon more so I'm reminded of who I am in the "big picture", and I'm not going to feel bad that I'll never have the curves or dance moves of Beyonce.

From Penny to Pearl...

Out with the old, in with the new...

Sometimes I really hate that I get so attached to people/things. It makes change such beast.

I've been driving my 2001 Chevrolet Prizm (who I named Penny) since I was 16. We've been through a lot together. And even though I've pretty much HATED her for the last year, I am having separation anxiety! I have spent way too much time and money trying to keep her alive. She had just given up the will to drive, but I wouldn't let her.

#GOODTIMES

I'll never forget the time one of my best friends growing up, Brandon, left a pair of jeans in the back seat of Penny my Senior year of High School. My mom went to drive my car and found this pair of boys jeans in my back seat. She brought them in the house, and held them up for me to hold, asking very accusingly why there was a pair of boys pants in the back of my car! I had no explanation, I honestly had NO idea how they got in the back seat of my car. I'm not sure my mom believed me and was very suspicious. I immediately started texting my guy friends to figure if they were missing a pair of jeans. None of them claimed to have left jeans in my car. Finally after bringing them to school, Brandon recognized them as his jeans. We still have a good laugh about how these jeans mysteriously ended up in the back of my car, and how my mom had a moment of panic.

Or the other time that I was 20 and had just gotten my mission call and one of my best friends was getting married and the other best friend was also getting ready to go on a mission. We were going to have one of our last hurrah's and drive to the Holi Festival of Colors in Spanish Fork. We had just got into town, and were jamming out at a stoplight. We were distracted looking at the car of boys next to us (I know, so stupid) when the lane next to us started moving. I put my foot on the gas before turning to look in front of me, and rear-ended a jeep in front me.OOPS.

A few weeks ago I finally realized it was time. Time to let her go. (cue dramatic soap opera music)

#FOREIGNBUYER

After spending a good 2 hours cleaning her, she "shined up like a new Penny" and I put her on KSL. With in 15 minutes we had someone texting us making an offer. We totally thought it was a scam, they hadn't even seen/driven the car and were offering us money. Plus their grammar and sentence structure was that of someone who was just learning English. Totally had to be someone from another country that was going to have us deposit some ridiculous check and steal our bank account information.  I told Dan not to even bother texting them back. But the person texted again, and so Dan texted them back.

Dan arranged to meet this person (who we were sure by now was a foreign USU student haha) at the Smith's parking lot to look at Penny. Dan was gone for about 20-25 minutes and came back. I asked how it went and if this foreign student was willing to buy. Haha, turns out he was a white kid in his early twenties, a local from Cache Valley who went to Weber State. I couldn't get over how hilarious this was to me!

#SOLD

Thankfully we found a nice family for Penny in only 5 days. They bought if for their daughter in High School who plays lacrosse. When they came to pick up the car, thankfully my two dear friends Sheri and Kylie were over and provided me emotional support as I watched my car drive away with a new girl. I had the scene from Toy Story 2 flash through my mind when Jessie's girls drops her off in a box on the side of the road and drives away... but thankfully I didn't abandon my car completely! We found her a nice, new girl who will take Penny on lots of adventures.

#PEARL

Buying a car was a HUGE deal for Dan and I. We had been saving and saving, researching cars, and all that good stuff pretty much since we got married 2 1/2 years ago. Neither of us had ever bought a car before, it was quite the experience. We finally found a white Toyota Camry for the right price and in the right condition. It was on the market for over a month... and I have no idea how no one bought it! It was a GREAT deal. I really think that Heavenly Father was involved by saving this car just for us!

Welcome to the family, Pearl!

The One with the Nose Job... or the Nose and the Job

#THENOSE

January was a wild month. Dan has had a deviated septum for quite some time now, and we finally decided to get it looked into (especially while he is still on his parents insurance!) We found an ear, nose, throat doctor here in Logan and scheduled an appointment. Dan left the appointment with a surgery scheduled for the next week- talk about fast!

The surgery was scheduled the day before school started. Dan assured me it was a very minor surgery and that he would probably be fine to go school the next day. I only took work off the day of the surgery, how foolish I was! The surgery wasn't schedule until 2:00 that day, and I thought about going into work for 1/2 the day, but decided it would be a good time to get some things done around the house and spend time with Dan before school started.

We were planning to have some friends give Dan a blessing around noon that day, but got a phone call at 11:15am asking if we could come NOW for the surgery. We were so happy the surgery was moved up so that we could get home sooner and Dan could rest for the first day of the semester.  However, this left us no time for Dan to get a blessing. (Lesson learned: get a blessing the day before!) We grabbed all of our stuff, and booked it over to Logan Regional Hospital.

I am weird and get nervous over things like this, always worrying about the "what ifs" and unknowns. I haven't had surgery since I was two and can't remember any of it. I felt unprepared for what I was supposed to be doing, or how they were doing the surgery- but luckily my mom and mother-in-law are both nurses, so I felt reassured that we could ask them questions if needed. We got checked in and Dan changed into his cute surgery gown :)  It took around an hour for all that, and to speak with the doctor and anesthesiologist. Then suddenly it was time. Dan was being wheeled off to surgery and I was left to wait. The surgery was supposed to take around 90 minutes. AKA- lots of time for Pinterest and pondering :)

 Side note: Dan and I are both allergic to amoxicillin- one of the many reasons I know we're perfect for eachother :)

Those 90 minutes went by quickly and suddenly the doctor was in the room, telling me the surgery went perfectly and they were waiting for him to wake up from the anesthesia. 

Next thing that happens is Dan is being wheeled back in our room, talking quite loudly and making one of the nurses laugh. As they get closer to me, the laughing nurse said "He wanted me to make sure I tell you that he loves you and that he wants a kiss..." Well at least I know Dan isn't one of those people who gets angry coming off anesthesia! haha!  It turns out the other nurse was the wife of one of the counselors in our Stake Presidency, who we had just gone to a Christmas party with a few weeks earlier! I was so relieved to know she was Dan's nurse. It eased SO much of my worrying and I felt totally comfortable and at peace. I wouldn't be afraid to ask her any questions, and new she would take the best care of Dan. Heavenly Father sure watches out for his children.

It took quite a bit longer than expected for Dan to become coherent enough for them to let us leave the hospital. His blood pressure was really high and the monitors were going off the whole time we were there. Our miracle nurse thought this was probably due to cocaine in his system from the anesthesia... who knew they put cocaine in anesthesia!?

Prior to the surgery I asked Dan if we needed to do anything-- buy him any juices, puddings, etc. Did he have the medicine he needed? Dan assured me his prescription was at the pharmacy already and he wouldn't need anything. FALSE. Thankfully we had our miracle nurse. She was able to tell me how to get the prescription filled and actually hand delivered to our room.

(This is why God said: It is not good for men to be alone!) 

So while Dan was coming out of his haziness, we got the medicine and figured out what to buy at the grocery store on the way home.

I think the worst part of the surgery, is that you can't blow your nose, you can't touch your nose, and you just have to spit up all the blood running down the back of your throat for like 3 days. YUCK! These blue medical bags were lifesavers!

Once we got home, I made Dan something to eat (the kid hadn't eaten since the day before!) and tried to get him settled. We made his "white stache" for all the blood to irrigate into. Again, very unpleasant. Poor guy! My favorite part of the whole experience was while I was making dinner, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie or TV show. 

His response: "I want to watch Sleeping Beauty."

So Dan watched all of Sleeping Beauty while he ate his dinner! At first I thought it might have been the pain meds, now I think it was just Dan with no filters wanting to watch it. Another reason why he is my soul mate :)  It became pretty obvious that I was not going to be going to work tomorrow, Dan can't drive on these meds!

#THEJOB

Dan eventually pulled out his laptop and started checking the sports for the day and his email. He came to find out that he had received an email that day for a position he'd applied for back in October or November. They initially told him that due to the high number of applicants, they were only interviewing the first 20 or something and that he wouldn't be interviewed. However, in this email they said they needed 2 people to start right away and were doing interviews that day. Dan was so upset and disappointed he missed it.

We'd been praying for Dan to find a job for a good 8 weeks at this point. I had to admit I was disappointed too. This would have been a GREAT job. We decided it was worth a shot to email them back and see if there was any chance he could get an interview still.  Watching Dan try to write an email and form sentences was quite entertaining! I eventually took over the typing part and Dan decided that he would go into their office first thing tomorrow morning to speak with them.

That night, Dan didn't sleep one bit. We think it was a side effect of the pain meds, and the discomfort of trying to sleep while sitting up (can't lay down with all the blood still running out your nose!). I woke up the next morning to Dan sitting wide awake next to me on the bed watching a movie. We both got ready and I drove him up to campus with his "white stache", 24 hours of no sleep, and on pain meds... this was going to be interesting!

BUT- Miracles happen. The guy gave Dan an interview regardless of his state, and within an hour, Dan got an email saying he had the job as a facilitator for the distance ed classes! HURRAY! The only downside was they needed him to start that day... I did NOT think this was a good idea considering Dan just had surgery less than 24 hours ago! Dan insisted that he did. So, I reluctantly drove him back and forth from campus all day for classes, work training, and actual work.

The poor guy didn't get home until 8:00 that night due to work... he was at 36 hours without sleep. He was in bad shape. He came home and instantly threw up. I felt so bad. I couldn't believe how big of a whirlwind the last 36 hours had been, and I know Dan's body was past functioning.

#TIMING

This was such a good learning experience for both of us.  Taking care of Dan in this way was a new experience for us and it made me love him even more!  And then Dan doing anything it took to get a job to help provide for us was just the cherry on top of the huge pile of love I have for him. I'm so grateful for a husband that can pull through such hard situations such as these! And still look like a stud while sporting the "white stache" :)

We also had a great lesson in learning that prayers are answered-- not always at the most convenient time for us, but in the way we need. But this job has been so perfect for Dan this semester (the guy pretty much gets paid to do his homework!) and the Lord has blessed us so much!

HELLO 2015!

#2015RESOLUTIONS

- Take a picture every day. Make awesome Chat Books out of them. My memory is getting so bad. I need all the documented memories I can get!

- Write down one miracle every day. I did this once for a month and it was so good for my attitude.

- KEEP WORKING OUT! and maybe work out just a little bit more... only a little.

- Be a better "in-law'... daughter-in-law & sister-in-law.

#ODD#'s

Since I was born on an odd numbered year, I have this weird idea in my head that odd numbered years are always better. So here's to a great upcoming 2015!

FIRE! This is not a drill.

Okay... it wasn't a fire, but it was a LOT of smoke!

Yesterday as we were walking out the door heading for church, we smelled something awful! As we kept walking down the three flights of stairs to the carport, we heard that obnoxious, repetitive beeping we all know... a fire alarm. And it was coming from apartment #6.

Apartment #6 just got a new tenant last week. It's a single guy. We met him once, I think his name was Mitch? Anyway, we looked over in the carport to see that his car was still there. Dan and I debated for a few seconds about the fact that he was probably inside, and we'd embarrass him if we knocked on the door to make sure everything was okay... blah blah. Then, guy from Apartment #4 opens his door and asks "Is that a fire alarm going off?" We explained the situation about his car being here, but Apartment #4 decides to take a peek through the window, and it's a good thing he did! Apartment #6 was FULL of smoke!

So the three of us check all the windows and doors. LOCKED. Apartment #4 guy calls our landlord immediately and our landlord says he'll be right over. Thankfully, we had some of our favorite friends lived in this apartment last year, Justin and Marie Rogers. We had the occasional game night and had been in that apartment a few times. It just so happened that Justin told us once how easy it was to break in their apartment. He'd been locked out a few times and all he had to do was pop the screen out, push against the window, and it would unlock and slide right open. The window is close enough to the front door that he could reach the door handle from the window.

I had completely forgotten this story. But Dan totally remembered and instantly started taking the screen out while Apartment #4 was on the phone and I was panicking. Within a few seconds, the screen was out, window opened, and door opened. A thick smoke start billowing out the front door.

Apartment #4 guy called in, "Anybody home?!"

No answer.

It was like a movie, you couldn't see a thing through the smoke unless you got close to the ground. We all started hacking our lungs out. Too bad I was in a pencil skirt because it would have been an excellent opportunity to practice my army crawl. Apartment #4 guy booked it into the kitchen, Dan and I took off to the back of the apartment to open the bedroom windows.

It's amazing how fast your mind works in these sort of situations. Because these are not big apartments, and I had a million thoughts going through my mind in under 3 seconds. The one that freaked me out the most was, "I think I'm about to see a dead body!" Apartment #6 guy had his car here, which meant there was a big possibility he was passed out somewhere in this apartment for who knows how long!

I ran into the empty bedroom, trying to avoid the dead body possibility and threw open the window. Dan went into possibly dead Apartment #6 guys room and threw open the window. As the smoke cleared, I was so relieved to find there was no body to be found!

We ran back out of the apartment to get fresh air.

I asked Apartment #4 guy, "What's causing the smoke?"

He stared back at me with huge eyes with that look of "Oh crap!"

I booked it back into the kitchen to find the source... a pot on the stove with a Sam's Club size plastic container of honey sitting in it. The burner was turned on high. I grabbed the pot and ran back outside. The smell of burning honey/plastic is AWFUL!!!! We poured water on it to stop the thing from burning and smoking any more. The fire alarm would not stop going off. So I ran back in one more time to fan away the remaining smoke. That awful noise finally stopped.

There wasn't much more to do at that point. We needed to be on our way to church, so apartment #4 guy said he'd wait for the landlord and we left. Well once we were half way to church, we realized how awful we smelled, my hair wreaked of smoke! (But that's the price heroes have to pay... HAHA)

We have quite a few good stories from living in our apartment building, but this one deserved a blog post! I guess the moral of the story is to always tell people about how easy it is to break into your apartment? Or to make sure you go to church on Sundays so you can stop your building from burning down? Or maybe I need to quite my day job and be a firefighter? Or maybe just don't melt your honey using a stove...

G R A T E F U L

I can hardly believe that it's Thanksgiving again. I feel like it was only a few short months ago that I was blogging about my thoughts on gratitude.  This year hasn't gone at all how I thought it would, which is means some things have gone way better than I thought, while others haven't. But I've realized that the things that didn't go well, still have worked out.

Life has a funny way of doing that, working out I mean. Sometimes I forget that during times of high stress or uncertainty. I spend too much time fretting about all the ways things can go wrong when I should be demonstrating more faith and optimism.

These are just a few things that I rank as "up there" on my Thanksgiving-Thankful-Grateful List...

Second Chances

For some reason I am a girl who need lots of second chances. I tend to be a bit of perfectionist and organizational freak, which you would think prevents you from messing up so much. But, it doesn't. I need lots of forgiveness from loved ones. Especially my husband. This year I'm grateful for all the second chances I was given from family and friends. This in turn has given me greater compassion and a desire to give others around me second chances. I'm grateful for the atonement and a Savior who perfectly understands my weaknesses and can lovingly give me all the chances I need.

My Job

Boy I never thought I'd say that! This year my job brought me an incredible opportunity to travel to Guam. It was one of the best experiences of my life. And as a domino effect, allowed Dan and I to be able to stay in Hawaii for 9 days on our measly, poor, married couple budget. I am so grateful that we were able to have this opportunity! It was one of the highlights of our year. I'm also grateful that I can sign up for benefits come next year when I no longer can be on my mothers insurance... #OLD.

 

Savings Accounts

Our savings accounts SAVED us this year.  My car had a major meltdown in April and needed a LOT of repairs done, meaning a rebuilt engine... not cheap. Our savings account allowed us to take a once in a lifetime trip together. Our savings account has allowed us to live off one income after Dan lost his job the week we got back from Hawaii. I am a BIG believer in savings accounts! I'm so grateful that we were able to brave some of our biggest trials this year because we had saved money!

 

Grandparents

I've been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to have the best grandparents in the world. My grandparents have always been "Switzerland" in my life. They love and support without condition. They keep out of family drama. They provide relief in times of need. They always know just what I need. They are awesome!  I am so grateful for all the wonderful memories I have of each one of my grandparents. Each one of them has molded me to be a better person. In different phases of my life, they played large roles to help me get to where I am today. And I don't expect that will change in the future as they continue loving and guiding me. Thank you for being so great!!!

 

Journals

Something I've had the prompting to do over and over again is keep a record of my life. I'm not good at it by any means, but I'm trying! One part of my life I have been trying to organize and document was my time serving a mission. I didn't keep a good journal at ALL during this time, so I was relying heavily on my letters home as a journal. Well this became quickly devastating and discouraging as I realized the letters my mom had saved were missing pages, and even whole months of my mission gone. I was SO sad. Luckily, I discovered my grandma still had every email from my mission from 3 years ago saved! (again, best grandparents ever!) Rereading all my letters was one of the biggest joys this year. I had forgotten so much, and it gave me such a renewal of all the feelings I had during that time of life. I am very grateful for journals, they help me remember the lessons I've learned in life. They help me see where I've been and how far I've come. They help me see blessings I didn't know I had.

 

Wonderful Women

Whenever I reflect on the past, it is evident that I have had the BEST women placed in my life. I have the best girlfriends, roommates, mission companions, family members, ward members, neighbors, teammates, etc. I largely attribute the success and joy in my life to the women that have shaped me. It blows my mind when I think about how blessed I am to have so many great people in my life.

Holidays

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year. I love Christmas lights. I love plotting and planning the best gifts to give people.  I love the feeling that comes into my soul as I listen to Christmas music. I am grateful for the reason for the season. I am grateful for all the good people do in the world this time of year. I am grateful I get to think more about others happiness than my own. I am grateful for time off work, and time with loved ones.

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Confessions of a Chocaholic

#HALFWAY

On November 13th I will have survived 6 months without chocolate. Starting on my 25th birthday, I made a goal to go 1 YEAR without chocolate. It's kind of a BIG deal because chocolate is MY THING. It's what I love, it's what I crave. It makes colors seem brighter, music sounds sweeter... okay maybe it's not that intense, but I love me some chocolate.

#SOFAR

At this point, I still have dreams about eating chocolate. For the last two weeks, nothing has sounded better than a warm, gooey chocolate chip cookie. To curb my cravings, I've been eating a lot of carmel apple suckers.

One thing I would do differently next time (yeah right! there will never be a next time!) is define "chocolate". It's been an ongoing debate between Dan and I if Oreos count as chocolate... which to me they clearly do not. They don't taste like chocolate at all, Oreos have their own distinct taste and it is nothing like Symphony bar.  They are not chocolate! However, just to be on the safe side, I'm not eating Oreos... (so stupid...)

#SECONDHALF

I survived Halloween without any chocolate, but I fear the worst is ahead of me. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, and Easter..... it's going to be rough. I've already found myself rationalizing that I could eat one white chocolate pretzel as a Christmas present to me. BUT I'm not going to do it (even though life's short and maybe next year I'll have a cold and won't be able to taste my mom's white chocolate dipped pretzels and cheat myself out of two years of my favorite treat...)

Wish me luck!!! (I'm clearly going to need it)