Decrescendo Drive

Definition of Decrescendo: a decrease in loudness

Exactly 2 months ago I wrote a blog about how it felt like it was going to take forever to move onto our next big thing: a house.

And exactly 2 months later, Dan and I closed on a house.

Can I just say, HOLY CRAP.

My life again continues to not go as planned at all, and work out so much better than I could have ever planned.

It happened so fast, this house thing. We went house hunting on September 2nd. I found my dream home the 3rd house we went to. And we were not supposed to find a house. No sireee. That was not in the plans. It was more just to look, figure out what we could get, decide what the most important things were for us in a house. But there it was. And something about it called out to me. And I could see myself spending Grady's first Christmas there. And I could see us being really happy to come home to such a place every night. And then October 10th- it was a done deal. We were homeowners.

Now before you go thinking, man- Megan just gets everything she wants, her life is perfect. You should know, I've never had so many sleepless/late nights in my life over worrying. Worrying that this was too good to be true. Worrying that this was going to be the greatest financial downfall of my life. Worrying that I wanted this house so much, I was blinded to reality. It's been a crazy and stressful few weeks. Dan and I have spent hours going over every detail of our finances, going over all the repairs the house needed, and just plain trying to decide if this was right for our family.

Getting this house is a risk for sure. It's going to cost us a LOT of blood, sweat, and tears getting it fixed up and ready to move into. But I just keep thinking about the end result: Our House on Decrescendo Drive. We'll have a place to call home. A place where there is a decrease in loudness from the world, and an increase in growing and loving each other as a little family. A place where we are out of the city, and can see the mountains.

I'm so excited, and equally terrified. Let the fun begin!

Have a Piece of Humble Pie

Since the day of Grady's due date, my life has been one GIANT piece of humble pie. Actually, it feels like it's been a WHOLE humble pie.

Being induced was one piece of humble pie. It was terrifying to me. I did NOT want to have a c-section and I knew my odds were increased in my situation. Everything worked out miraculously, and I was able to have our sweet Grady just the way I wanted-- and I don't know what I did to deserve things going in my favor. But I had a great experience, and Grady was perfect and healthy and more than I could have ever imagined. And I literally pray 2-3 times every day in my heart thanking Heavenly Father for letting me be Grady's mom.

And that was my first piece of humble pie.

Having my mom stay a whole week with Dan and I was another piece of humble pie. I am a very independent person-- I feel happy and fulfilled when I take care of myself and our little family. However, I could not have survived that first week without her. She was amazing. She was up at all hours of the night with me, made all our meals, cleaned our apartment top to bottom, changed our sheets, did the grocery shopping, went way above and beyond anything I could have expected. I remember thinking, I'll only have her stay 3 days max... HA! I am ever so grateful and humbled for the incredible way she took care of the three of us and loved our Grady boy more than any Grandma has ever loved her grandbaby.

And that was my second piece of humble pie.

Once my mom left, and Dan was back at school and gone from 8am-10pm almost every day-- it was just me and Grady. And I was again, TERRIFIED. What was I supposed to do with this little guy? How am I supposed to shower? How am I supposed to have time to cook? How much longer until I will feel better? I remember crying multiple times that second week, because I was just so overwhelmed. And I prayed more than I had in a long time. And my prayers were answered through meal after meal that was brought by ward members, friends, and family. I was so humbled... and again, so grateful. I had countless people texting and calling, and sweet friends who invited me to go on walks with them. The fear left day by day, and my maternity leave was such a precious and wonderful 8 weeks with Baby Grady. I loved it and was so humbled that I was able to receive full pay for the full 8 weeks I was gone from work.

And I was sure this was where my humble pie pieces would end. Reality was going to set in, we'd been so blessed to make it this far.

The end of my maternity leave came... and I had to go back to work. Dan was officially the stay at home Dad, and I was officially a working mom. I was terrified (are you seeing a pattern here?). I had no idea how I was supposed to be showered, dressed, and awake enough to work for the next 8 hours after being up with Grady 2-3 times a night. I had no idea how I was going to find time to pump at work every day, and be able to feed Grady in the car on my lunch break. I had no idea how Dan was going to handle being home with Grady all day. I had no idea how I was going to handle being away from Grady all day.

Dan gave me a priesthood blessing the night before I went back to work. And my first day back at work was great! My boss was absolutely incredible. He went above and beyond to make sure I had enough time/privacy/space to pump at work. I missed Grady, but I never was worried about him or felt emotionally distraught being away from him... and I didn't expect that. Everyone at work was SO kind, and so supportive-- and honestly I think it was really good for me to get back in the groove of work for awhile. It helped me learn that I could leave the house. And it helped Dan learn to love and bond with Grady in a way he never would have. And I was so humbled at how well this was working out. Don't get me wrong-- it was still hard, and I was still tired. But I had a strength that came from somewhere totally beyond what I am capable of.

And I was served another piece of humble pie.

I knew that Dan getting through school was going to be hard, but I knew the hardest part was going to be finding a job. We had talked and decided that I would keep working full time and he would stay home with Grady and apply for jobs all summer. And if by the end of August, nothing had changed-- then we would think about plan B, potentially moving in with one of our parents. When I went back to work, I had the mindset that I was there for the long haul. I prayed my whole maternity leave, and every day after, that Dan would find a job that would not just make money-- but would allow him to be home with us at a decent time every day. None of this Goldman Sachs 60+ hours a weeks garbage they make all the new grads do. And after praying for a good family man job, I prayed for the strength to wait for that job. That I'd be able to work and be a mom for as long as it took.

Two weeks after I went back to work, Dan was offered and accepted a job in South Jordan at Merrick Bank. And I was in shock. And I was overwhelmed and thrilled. It was the job we'd been praying for. And I couldn't believe how incredibly fast it happened. And as fast as the job came, was as fast as they wanted him to start. We had to pack up and move in 2 weeks.

And I was served my next piece of humble pie.

I was terrified to tell my boss that I was quitting. Like sick to my stomach, shaky hands, couldn't imagine how much he was going to hate me. He could have just cut me loose 10 weeks ago and had a new assistant by now. But he had been so patient, and so generous, and so kind. And I knew how big of a pain in the butt this would be for him. So I brought him in 2 cans of Diet Coke, closed his office door, and told him what had happened. I apologized over and over, and even cried-- I couldn't help it. His reaction was, "What can we do to help you?"

And I was shocked, and my piece of humble pie was thrown at my face this time. I told him "nothing!" But he of course knew just what I needed.

Our new insurance with Dan's work wouldn't kick in for a solid month after he started work. And my Boss helped me figure out how I could get our insurance to carry through for a solid month after I quit. And another piece of humble pie was slid across the desk to me. And then a dear woman who worked in a different office in my building, had enough boxes for us to pack up our whole apartment with. We were in a major time crunch and I had already tried finding cardboard boxes for a few hours one day with not much success. She saved our bacon.

And by this time, I knew that had to be the last piece of my humble pie.

Packing up in 2 weeks was somewhat of a joke. And finding somewhere to live in 2 weeks was an even bigger joke. And I knew what this all meant.... my worst nightmare. Living with my in-laws. I can't tell you the number of meltdowns, and I mean MELTDOWNS I had during those 2 weeks of moving as I thought about what it mean to live with my in-laws. You'd have thought after all the crying I've done the last three months, I'd be out of tears. Turns out I have a rather large reservoir. But guess who were the ones who ended up really moving us out, cleaning our apartment, and getting us down to SLC? My in-laws. My Father-in-law, and brother/sister in-law seriously saved us. We'd still be trying to pack up and clean that apartment to this day.

Just the whipped cream on top of my humble pie.

The Next Humble Pie... (the one with the nuts)

Now it's 2 months later. And it's all been such a blur. But I'm living my dream of staying home with our baby boy. And now I'm eating a different kind of humble pie. The kind of humble pie that teaches patience, that makes you work on your faults. I'm learning how to live in someone else's home, and to share everything with them. 60% of everything I own is in a box somewhere, along with my own bed, all our furniture. I'm learning how to live in "the big city" after growing up in Morgan and living most of my life outside of Morgan in Logan... heaven help me! I'm in a ward full of people who are a minimum of twice my age and I have yet to find anything in common with. The housing market is terrible for buyers right now, and it feels like forever before we'll even have a down payment anyway.

But it's all good. Because I get to spend every day taking care of Grady and love and smother him all day. And we're paying off debts that we otherwise wouldn't be able to for a long while. And the housing market will cool off.

My first humble pie is absolute evidence to me that we are where we need to be. And all my fears were resolved, and all my prayers answered. And I know it'll happen again. In the right time, in the right way. Let's just all pray that I learn my lessons living with the in-laws the first time, so I don't have to do this again :)

Dear Logan,

You were the place I never wanted to be, but exactly what I needed. We moved out of Logan almost 7 weeks ago, I can't even believe it. This is the longest I've been away from Logan in almost 5 years. I have a great aunt who lived in Logan while she was first married, and she told me every time they went home to see their family and then were driving back up to Logan, she'd cry because she hated Logan so much. They moved away many, many years ago and now she says she cries when she gets the chance to go back to Logan because she LOVES it so much.

I could never comprehend her feelings... until now.

"WHAT?!" you may be asking yourself. The girl who whined and moaned and bellyached about Logan for YEARS is saying she misses it?!

Yup. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Here me out.

I mostly hated Logan because of all the things it didn't have. I hated it for the lack of excitement and shopping venues. I hated it for the winters. I hated it because it always meant tuition and homework.

But that was when I was young and naive and dumb.

Now I'm old, more mature, and a mom. And all I want is it ALL back- except for the school part :)

I know, I know. Go ahead and tell me, "I told you so."

Logan was where my entire life changed for the better.

PHASE 1 OF LOGAN: 2007-2010

Logan was where I first lived on my own.
It was where I kissed my first boy.
Where I had my first boyfriend, and few more after that.
It's where I met my very dearest and truest friends who happened to be my roommates.
It's where I learned how to work really hard and go to school.
It's where I found myself after high school. When I really started to figure out who I was.
Logan is where I took my first and ONLY hip hop class and also where I got my lowest grade... a C+
It's where I put my mission papers in and got my mission call.
Logan is where I discovered what a "real" winter was, that the inside of your nose freezing was a real thing.
Logan is where I found adventure. Where I went on blind dates. Where I did stupid things like hiking in the dark with no flashlights with boys I'd never met.
Logan is where I got my jam on. It's where I fell in love with dances and wasn't afraid to look stupid.
It's where I pulled my first all nighter, and several late nighters for years.
Logan is where I've been the poorest I've ever been.
It's where I ran my first 10k and was in the best shape of my life- thank you Kalie!

Logan is where I met Dan.

PHASE 2 OF LOGAN: 2012-2017

Because of living in Logan I went to Guam and Hawaii, Washington, Wyoming, Idaho and California.
It's where I made friends twice my age.
It's where I learned how to be a wife, a newly wed, a married woman.
It's where Dan and I have spent so many of our date nights.
It's where I fell in love with Dan more and more the longer we learned how to live together.
Logan is where we made ALL of our couple friends, and friendships that have changed our lives
And I always loved where I lived. All of my apartments in college, to the apartment we lived in as a married couple.
Logan is where I have gone to the temple more than any place in my life.
Logan is where I fell in love with country and green and trees.
Logan is where we attended a married student ward for years, and where I had callings I never would in a normal ward.
It's where I came to appreciate simplicity.
It's where I found out how much I loved the smaller town feel. So much that I have my favorite employees at the places we went grocery shopping. Especially Karl at Sam's Club-- that man made my day for years!!!
Logan was always far enough from family that we were on our own, but close enough to visit them. It was perfect.
Logan was where I worked 60 hours a week for 6 months-- and it almost killed me. But it also saved me. I discovered the power of gratitude and humility on a daily basis. And that working 40 hours a week is a piece of cake.
It's where I gained a HUGE testimony of institute.
I had my first serious sickness, pneumonia, living in Logan.
This last winter was magical. I didn't hate it. It snowed SO much I got 2 days off of work and it wasn't SO cold because the snow just kept coming. I was in love.

It's where I had our first baby.

Logan is where I've spent roughly the last 8 years of my life. It's where I spent my 20's. It's where I "grew up"

Leaving Logan feels like the end of an era. And really, it is.

Now onto figuring out how to handle living in the Salt Lake valley, and appreciating where I am-- looking for the good in this hot mess of a million people, always traffic, and never knowing where anything is!

And who knows, maybe some day we'll end up living in Logan again... with how unpredictable my life has been... I wouldn't even be surprised.

And I definitely wouldn't be mad.

So Logan, thanks for sticking with me. I needed you even though I insisted over and over and over, and yes one more time, and OVER-- that I'd be happier somewhere else. It wasn't easy, but boy was it worth it. I was wrong, and you were right.

The Final 24 Hours...

Surprisingly I slept like a rock last night. I think all the crying exhausted me to the point I needed to get a good nights sleep- at least something good came of it haha!

Dan and I woke up and had a great day together. We finished stalking up on some groceries, got our apartment in ship-shape, did a final load of baby laundry, finished packing our hospital bags with a few final things, and then went to the temple and did endowments. That again brought me such comfort and peace, I am so thankful for the blessings of the gospel in my life. Oh and in the middle of all this, I cried about every 20 minutes with all the sweet messages of encouragement I received from family and friends. There really are angels seen and unseen.

It was a perfect day. We took a nap with our window open, went for a walk down to Main Street, headed to Tai Pan Trading and critiqued all the decorations, and picked up some dinner at Old Grist Mill. There is nothing like a little warm spring weather to calm my soul. I just wanted to soak up every last minute with Dan before our lives were forever changed. To have one more day of just us two. That was definitely one of the things that caused me to cry the most- having a knowledge that this was our final 24 hours of just Dan + Meg-- and that was absolutely terrifying. Dan is my best friend and whole world. And my biggest fear about having kids is that being taken from me, because he's the best thing in my life. Dan was a rock through my hurricane of emotions. He just kept smiling and being excited and telling me that we were going to be okay. We were still eachothers #1's no matter what!

As emotional as it was for me to know exactly when it was baby time, I'm thankful that Dan & I were able to make the most of our precious time together. That was a bitter-sweet blessing!

I would tell anyone being induced to spend every last moment with their loved one. I love that we didn't do anything extraordinary or crazy, but simple beautiful every day things together brought me the peace I needed (eventually! haha).

So now that I got my last 24 hours with my Dan, it's BABY TIME! Ready or not, here he comes.

TWELFTH APPOINTMENT: Week 40

Friday, March 10th- THE DUE DATE! @ 11:30am

Fridays at lunch time the OB office is PACKED! Every time without fail. It's so weird.

We got called back to do our ultrasound first, and it was the same nice man that did it last time which I was really excited about! He did an 8 point test to check all these different things with the baby. He measured his head, belly, and femur (just like last time), check our amniotic fluid level, baby boys heart rate and breathing, and used a little buzzer to make him move. He pass all 8 points of the test with flying colors which was great to hear. And if you can believe it, his head has gotten even bigger! 97%!!! And his belly was measuring in the 94%... so all of that calculated together, meant he is measuring at 9 pound and 7 ounces, and that his size meant he was five days overdue.

We talked to the ultrasound tech about the accuracy of the test and he explained why it's up to a pound off in either direction, which I totally believe. My belly is not big enough to hold almost a 9.5 pound kid!

Our doctor was running pretty behind, and we waited for about 40 minutes to meet with him after the ultrasound. Such is life.

I had a lot of questions about our options and was very interested to see what he would say about this kid being so big. I have NEVER wanted to be induced.... ever. But even more than not wanting to be induced, I really don't want a c-section. Once the doc came in, he asked "so how are you guys feeling about things?" I explained our feelings, and he said well let's check your cervix and see how things are progressing and make some decisions.

He did his routine check and this time I noticed it was a little longer, and much more painful and deep. He said I was dilated to 1.5 and effaced about the same. He then said that he the size of a baby in not a reason to ever induce labor, but the narrowness of my pelvic bones was a concern, especially if I didn't want a c-section. To get to the point, he said it would be better to get this baby here sooner than later and to be induced this weekend. He was on call this weekend so it would work out better with his schedule as well. He also said that our chances are tripled at this point of needing a c-section because of how narrow my pelvis is, but that we still have a good chance of delivering vaginally.

This was a LOT of information to take in, and I was holding back tears the whole time, just because of how quickly my life had changed in 5 minutes. He told us to come in tomorrow night to be induced and that he would not recommend a natural birth and to plan on an epidural.  The pitocin makes your labor contractions really hard, and very uncomfortable, more than normal labor. He said he stripped my membranes and hoped that giving my body 24 hours would help it get things started... WAIT WHAT?! He didn't say a word about stripping membranes, and we had never talked about it... I was slightly bugged he just did it, and almost without telling me at all. He knew how much I didn't want to do any of this, but he was very gracious and said I had done a great job with pregnancy and to let them take care of me from here; to let them use all the tricks they could to help him come they way we wanted. Alright doc, I'll do it.

Knowing when to expect our baby boy to come was absolutely terrifying. And I instantly broke out in tears when our doctor left the room. Dan is SO EXCITED, he has been wanting baby boy to come for days! And I'm a mess. I knew I needed to get back to work as soon as I could to get a bunch of things wrapped up and my mind was going a hundred miles an hour.

Luckily, our sweet sweet friends Becca and Quentin were induced just yesterday and had their baby last night. They let us come see them after our appointment and hold their sweet little girl and tell us that being induced wasn't going to end my life! haha. It was so good to talk to them and just here how everything would probably play out. That was a HUGE blessing as I was trying to wrap my head around the next 48 hours of our lives.

I got back to work for about 2.5 hours, told my boss maternity leave was starting Monday and finished up last minute things. I still had not had time to deal with my emotions and cried for about 3 hours tonight getting out all my fears. It seems ridiculous in some ways that all I wanted was as little assistance as possible having this baby, and I'm upset about getting the exact opposite- when really it's a blessing that there are ways for us to have our giant baby make it through my narrow pelvis.

We have 24 hours until our lives are changed forever, and knowing that is super daunting and weird. What do you do your last 24 hours before never being alone again!? Well I guess Dan and I will find out.

Thank you for all the love, prayers and support. They are so need and so much appreciated.

Week 39: Getting Low on Time!

Sleep: Still sleeping great! Wake up once at night and that's it. However, I definitely am feeling the need for more and more sleep... #givemeallthenaps

Symptoms: Last weeks energy level is definitely gone. I have been definitely feeling a bit more like a sack of potatoes, a slug, a bump on a log if you will. And I am totally okay with it, except for the 8 hours of work I have to get through.. haha. But it was almost as if the energy line I was drawing from was perfectly calculated to get me through all the things I needed to finish, and then as soon as I finished up my last big projects- my body is telling me to slow down and rest for what is ahead. Pretty miraculous in my opinion. But no contractions, just some rotten sciatic nerve stuff again.

Food Cravings: I discovered that chilled oreos with peanut butter is pretty magical! But keeping the oreos in the fridge is key in the magicalness. 

Food Aversions: I'm still a little cautious about eating foods that give me heartburn, but really just pop my pill and eat it anyway haha. 

How Big the Little Guy is: About 20 inches and over 7 pounds, the size of mini-watermelon! My app also said, "Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls." haha thank you Captain Obvious...

The Size of My Belly: It doesn't seem to have grown anymore, but I am feeling more heavy!

What I Miss: My energy. But like I said, it's totally okay because I need to rest for Labor Day!

What I'm Loving: That Dan was home all week! Which also sort of sucked because I still had to put my 40 hours in at work... but we saw each other on my lunch every day and got to spend evenings together. Dan and I also went to the temple which I was one of the last things I really wanted to do before this baby comes. It was an extra special night and I am so thankful we were able to go and receive such peace and comfort!

What I'm Looking Forward To: On Friday it is my due date and we have a doctor's appointment/ultrasound to check things out and see if we need to be induced, or if it's safe to give it another week. I can see it going either way. As much as I don't want to be induced, I REALLY don't want a c-section... so just to have some direction will be nice either way! I just need to mentally prepare if I need to work another week... 

Best Moments this Week: So here's all the different things I've done in the last 7 days to see if our little guy might enter the world:
- Eat this equally spicy/sour Thai soup... it was HOT! and SO SOUR! It was kind of weird and I really couldn't eat it because the flavor/spiciness was so hot in my mouth!
- Shoveled/chipped away at the remaining ice/snow in our parking lot for about 30 minutes...
- Bore my testimony in church on Sunday
- Helped Dan fixed the clutch fan on his truck. Like I legitimately laid under his truck and tried to screw on the nuts... and it was a disaster! I dropped every single one and ended up laughing so hard I was crying and couldn't see to help any more. It was a great memory nonetheless!
- Walked around the inside of our double-chapel church building until my sciatic nerve wouldn't let me walk anymore
- Had an awkward confrontation with a coworker about his snarky comments + my pregnancy... I thought for sure this would have put me into labor!

I'm convinced nothing can put me into labor except for medical procedures! haha

Words of Wisdom: I know mommas get so anxious for their babies to come, and I'm definitely starting to feel that more with being so close to the end. But for some reason, there seems to be a culture of wanting babies to come early... which I know it's so hard on our bodies + mentally we're just sort of done with pregnancy, and doctors give us this "due date" which in every other part of our lives "due date" signifies the final day for something to occur... but I'm just so happy that our little guy can keep growing healthy and strong! And due dates are seriously the dumbest thing! Because you can't put a date on when a HUMAN BEING IS DONE GROWING! So just don't worry about your due date... they'll come when their ready! The more flexible I've tried to be about his arrival, the more calm and enjoyable pregnancy has been. That's my two cents!

ELEVENTH APPOINTMENT: Week 39

Thursday, March 2 @ 11:15am

Well my doctor is out of town until March 6th, so we got to see the certified nurse midwife today. I was actually pretty excited about meeting her, I really like a lot of the ideas and practices in midwifery.

This was by FAR the fastest appointment of my life. I wasn't even done undressing to be checked before she was trying to come in the room and check me! Apparently she had a c-section to attend to, so she was in a rush. She checked me, said I was still dilated to a 1, and still effaced at 80%. Dan asked her what her best guess was as to when we could expect the baby to come, and she said probably a week past our due date if our Dr let us. That was interesting to hear, and definitely took the urgency I was feeling out of him coming soon due to how big they think he is already. She said that most Caucasians can't deliver over a 9 pound baby without a c-section, also interesting to hear/sort of made me panic if I really do have a big guy to deliver. She was pretty frank with us! Then she was gone in a flash.

I definitely gained a new appreciation for my male Dr, way more sympathetic and kind! She was nice, but I was definitely not getting any extra positive vibes from her. More of a, "suck it up honey" kind of vibe...

Glad we'll be able to see our AWESOME doctor for the last couple appointments! And I'm glad that she gave me perspective on just how great our doctor really is.